musings on the phrase "gay Christian"

I was listening to an interview the other day with a man named Wesley Hill. Wes is a college professor, a writer, blogger, and a celibate, gay, Christian. The interviewer asked him to explain why he chose to refer to himself as a celibate, gay, Christian. Wes gave a grace-filled and complete answer that I’ve heard him give numerous times. This question swirls in evangelical circles, and I have to admit that I sighed when I heard it asked again.

I am often writing and encouraging believers to walk alongside single people, gay people, trans people, teens and young adults experiencing gender dysphoria, the list could go on. If my first hangup is how someone defines themselves, I rarely get to the walking part with them.

That said, I also want to be aware of how I am using language and what the person across from me is hearing.

One of the hindrances to walking alongside people in humility, in my opinion, is our desire to frame the discussion in our language and our terminology. We want to tell people, whose experience that we do not share, how to describe and share about themselves. We don’t walk in humility alongside people because we ourselves often lack humility.

I’ve written here about why language matters, and here about the posture and the need to listen well with the desire to understand.

If you are a Christian sexual minority, you are probably heaving a sigh at this topic being brought up again, and again, and again.

But as I am trying to write to the average straight Christian sitting with me on Sunday, the topic bears repeating.

Now I understand that there are valid questions about identity in Christ. I want my identity first and foremost to be as a daughter of the King, beloved child of God, and adopted heir. We should all be prodding each other in that direction. How I identify myself and who I identify with matters.

But instead of just saying, ‘stop talking like that’, let’s ask ourselves a couple of questions:

First: what’s my real problem with the word gay? I would venture, if you are in your 40-50’s like myself, you are uncomfortable with someone using the word gay because it carries the connotation of sexual immorality, promiscuity, or the plan for promiscuity.

This was a huge topic for me to work through in the early days of gaining some understanding related to sexuality and the evolution of terms. I found, as I asked many people, that there was an age divide for how the term ‘gay’ was defined. 

Older folks, like myself, tend to hear sexual activity in the term gay.

Younger folk hear more of a state of being- a person is attracted to the same sex.

And many, many people, regardless of age, hear an affirmation of same sex relationships in the use of the word gay.

My husband would say that few people, inside or outside the church, have a framework for a Side-B Christian- these  are Christians who, for whatever reason, find themselves attracted to the same sex and continue to uphold the historic sexual ethic of the  church that reserves sex for inside a male/female marriage.

I’ve linked to a previous post on this, but am going to repost it next week as well for us to consider together.

I know that words have meaning. I also believe that meaning sometimes shifts as culture shapes a word. This has happened, I believe, with the word gay.

So when someone refers to themselves as gay, that is just the beginning of the conversation.

I have to ask myself, ‘is this what I want to be my line in the sand?’ For me, I have decided that it’s not. I want to allow the person sitting next to me, or walking next to me, to describe themselves to me however they want. Then I want to love them through relationship and perhaps be asked to speak into how they see themselves.

I do, however, want to be aware of who I am talking to and how I use terms. I want to use terms that people will understand, relate to, and resonate with, as we are talking. So when I’m talking to a group of people my age or older, I’m going to carefully define how I’m using the word ‘gay’ and what I’m trying to convey.

Within the church, I want to prod people to recognize the existence of as well as the inspiration that a Side-B Christian brings to our bodies.

Second: If my same sex attracted friend refers to themselves as gay, is it a way to identify with other people with that same experience?

So many friends that I’ve had who experience sexual or gender identity issues are really on the lookout for others who share their same experience. People that ‘get’ them, that they can chuckle with, that understand the hard and the good in their lives. We are all looking for relationships like this- that’s how social clubs, moms groups, fraternities, and the like get created.

A friend recently asked my thoughts about the Black Lives Matter movement. He is white. He remarked that he had shared with a black friend in his small group who also happens to be a firefighter, that because of their bond as brothers in Christ, they were actually more closely related than they were to people of their own ethnicity or those that he worked with in the fire department. His friend did not agree and he couldn’t understand.

I asked him, “are you actually closer to him than his coworkers in the fire department?” Do you spend time outside of your group time? How do you help him carry his daily load? Are you involved with his family in meaningful ways?

My friend was expecting that this man in his small group would grant him ‘closeness’ that he had not developed by spending time.

It may be a fact that I am a sister to other female believers in Christ, but if I don’t invest time and relationship, it’s understandable that we don’t feel like sisters.

It’s normal that we feel close to people that share our similar experience, whatever that experience is.

So how can we think critically about using the word gay or gay Christian or celibate, gay, Christian? 

• We can invest the time to see how this word is being used culturally today.

• We can pray and get to know some people who would call themselves gay, so that we could understand their framework.

• We can read thoughts from celibate, gay, Christians and meditate on their experience.

Do some work on your own to understand. Here are a couple articles you can read that I’ve really enjoyed!

This first article is written by a man who has graciously taught me a lot, answered questions, and prayed with and for me. You will enjoy his writing.

This second article is equally as thought provoking.

Be watching next week for a fuller description of what Side B refers to.