thirty and single...

These thoughts were sent to me by a longtime friend prior to her posting this on Valentine’s Day. My heart aches as I read her final sentence about desiring that the church love in ways that no one feels ‘less than’. I’m desiring to see us love in ways that people feel esteemed and elevated. Surely we can do that.

If you are married reading this, please, please pay attention. We cannot change what we don’t pay attention to. And the sentiments of this single person are far from rare- they are the norm. We wound people- often unintentionally, but wounding still the same. And we are responsible to, and have the power because of the Spirit to love in really cool and meaningful ways.

I’m not big on social media and particularly not on this day. I always struggle to find the words, but want to say that for those hurting today, specifically as their loneliness and disappointment feel heightened, I feel you and I’m praying for you. As I reflected on 2020, the overwhelming theme I felt was misunderstood. I generally don’t share this much, but want others to know they’re not alone and ask others to consider expanding their perspective and maybe even their dinner table. 

An unmet longing is one of the most searing pains within the human heart. I have wanted to be married and have kids since I can ever remember. I spent my youngest years playing house with all my baby dolls as if they were my children, heck I even had a “marriage” ceremony with my best guy friend around age 5. There is nothing more my heart has desired and there is nothing that brings deep pain like that unfulfilled desire. 

I know many people understand and experience similar pain although their story may be very different. The widowed, orphaned, divorced, barren / struggling with infertility, rejected, the married yet feel more alone, those facing a grim health diagnosis, struggling with mental health or other ongoing health issues, those called to singleness, and many many others. I am most definitely not under any illusion that for me marriage will fix everything. 

I will say though that comments people make that insinuate because of my singleness I’m less mature, incomplete, questioning my sexuality, something’s wrong with me, less valuable - are not helpful and are not true.

Believe me, this is not how I ever envisioned my life at 30. You may think a roommate at 30 is weird but it’s what I realized is best for me and I couldn’t be more thankful for her and my friends who make me feel just a little less alone some days (I am quite the people person after all). It is not as if I turn away wonderful men of God that are knocking at my door - they haven’t showed up yet (or decided not to choose me). And heartbreakingly it is not promised to me. Yet I still pray and hope. Every day. 

It’s not always easy, it actually rarely is -  but through traumas and ongoing disappointments life must go on - money must be made to keep a roof overhead and food on the table, household chores need done, to others it is as if all is well. Amidst the pain, I’m thankful to see God working in other areas of my life and experience joy that comes from Jesus, steadfast and unchanging. Through it all, I grow in patience, perseverance, character and try to make a difference in the ways God calls as I wait.

For many, I’m sure today is a beautiful celebration of love and I am truly happy for you. Thank God for your blessings and answered prayers. My request is that you also say a prayer for those that are aching, alone, feeling unlovable, rejected - most didn’t choose this and would give anything for it to be different. I ask that you listen and grow your heart to see how you may be able to come alongside them, invite them in, go visit them instead of expecting they always come to you. May we all come to the table of grace, compassion, and love together in a way that doesn’t make anyone feel less than but rather pursued and loved as a beautiful creation in Christ.